Emotions
I've had a hard time coming up with something to blog about for some time, mostly because I've found that I'm wrestling with my emotions in ways I did not anticipate. I feel like a dark cloud is over me (or at least over my emotional center) a lot of the time. For no discernible reason. It is SO easy to be SO negative about EVERYTHING. I have been told that wrestling with emotions is a "normal" part of the post-heart-attack process. That may be. I don't like it. At all.
For example, we just returned from the ZOE Conference in Nashville. It was a wonderful and challenging experience - mostly. Again, the emotions. There were a couple times when I struggled just to stand with everyone else singing - and I found that I just could not sing. I was moved to tears a couple times, and ended up being able to sing (once the LUMP in my throat subsided), but there were other times when I just could not give myself over to the praise. I had nothing to offer. Just pain. It felt like something inside me was broken. (my heart, maybe?)
My prayers at this time are shifting to mostly undefined lament. I am totally counting on the Spirit to translate, because I have no idea what this is about.
I don't know. I'm not quite sure why I'm putting this information onto the Web, even. But it is where I find myself at this time. My wonderful wife is being very supportive and understanding. She is so good to me.
This is hard.
For example, we just returned from the ZOE Conference in Nashville. It was a wonderful and challenging experience - mostly. Again, the emotions. There were a couple times when I struggled just to stand with everyone else singing - and I found that I just could not sing. I was moved to tears a couple times, and ended up being able to sing (once the LUMP in my throat subsided), but there were other times when I just could not give myself over to the praise. I had nothing to offer. Just pain. It felt like something inside me was broken. (my heart, maybe?)
My prayers at this time are shifting to mostly undefined lament. I am totally counting on the Spirit to translate, because I have no idea what this is about.
I don't know. I'm not quite sure why I'm putting this information onto the Web, even. But it is where I find myself at this time. My wonderful wife is being very supportive and understanding. She is so good to me.
This is hard.
posted by MichaelPolutta at 10:27 PM
2 Comments:
Hey Michael,
"Lump in the throat" is a rare feeling for a strong person. Can i presume you rarely felt it while growing up? you were completely in control with your emotional feeling in your (assuming again) glorious career?
Do you think emotional feelings during transition period need to be taken care, supported?
as human beings we are at the pinnacle of conscious choice makers.
why am i saying these things?
am i here to make you feel normal during tough times? No, absolutely not...Wonderful it will be if you realize you are feeling things which test strongest and most conditioned minds. I sincerely wish you live up to any kind of feeling and continue around something which is unique in this world (your very own soundtrack). Please dont judge this event as a bad note, or noise. Lets consider this a little high pitch note, or a deep bass which beats within the heart and go on :-)
regards,
Hey Mike! I looked for you at Zoe and couldn't find you...I was sad. I saw Natalie and we talked for a few minutes though...that was fun. Well, I just wanted to tell ya that I have a blog now, so you should come check it out!
www.deltakacey.blogspot.com
God bless!
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