Another day, another year, another...

This is the 10th anniversary of the only birthday that has ever bothered me. On that birthday - perhaps that very day - my metabolism shifted WAY down VERY suddenly. Before then, I could eat any amount of any food at any time of day and not gain an ounce. That ended like a flash of lightning. I could bounce back from injury quickly. Gone. I could stay up late and hardly pay for it at all. Over.

This time I'm just trying to be thankful. Perspective changes - I hope for the wiser.

Emotions have been mostly better lately. The valleys are not as deep, nor do they last as long. I have an appt. coming up with my cardiologist, and we will talk about this, among other things. I want my Lipitor dose to come down. I'm taking the 80mg dose, which is the largest one they make. My cholesterol was not THAT high to start with. I do not want to risk liver damage to lower a cholesterol number that wasn't ALL that high to begin with. We'll see what he says.

Emotions

I've had a hard time coming up with something to blog about for some time, mostly because I've found that I'm wrestling with my emotions in ways I did not anticipate. I feel like a dark cloud is over me (or at least over my emotional center) a lot of the time. For no discernible reason. It is SO easy to be SO negative about EVERYTHING. I have been told that wrestling with emotions is a "normal" part of the post-heart-attack process. That may be. I don't like it. At all.

For example, we just returned from the ZOE Conference in Nashville. It was a wonderful and challenging experience - mostly. Again, the emotions. There were a couple times when I struggled just to stand with everyone else singing - and I found that I just could not sing. I was moved to tears a couple times, and ended up being able to sing (once the LUMP in my throat subsided), but there were other times when I just could not give myself over to the praise. I had nothing to offer. Just pain. It felt like something inside me was broken. (my heart, maybe?)

My prayers at this time are shifting to mostly undefined lament. I am totally counting on the Spirit to translate, because I have no idea what this is about.

I don't know. I'm not quite sure why I'm putting this information onto the Web, even. But it is where I find myself at this time. My wonderful wife is being very supportive and understanding. She is so good to me.

This is hard.